Sunday, June 20, 2010

Time is Blurring By

Time is just kind of slipping by. Bob has been working OT, because we are horribly in need of the money. So he's been gone from sun up, way past sun down. So it's pretty much been me, trying to figure it out. The 1 day Bob was off we spent getting the garage organized for a garage sale. Friday evening Bob and I went to a concert, Boyz 2 Men. (we were only able to do this because of some AMAZING people that we are soooo lucky to have in our lives.) It was amazing. Brought a peace to my soul, and took me back 20 years! Absolutely loved it!!!!

Other than that it's been phone calls, doctor check-in's etc. There was a very brief splash of hope thrown in on Thursday, late evening. The surgeon thought there was a slight possibility that she could stretch the esaphagus with surgery. She read the report, and checked the films. She can't. It's for sure the muscles and motility. I wish she had looked and confirmed before even mentioning a glimmer of hope.
So we are back at the beginning. The doctors are all doing who knows what and I'm left here with my son. He cries, he's frantic, his little mouth is constantly moving like when he's nursing. Everytime I come in, or he hears my voice, or I hold him, he goes frantic. 6 1/2 months later he doesn't understand why I won't nurse him. I'm pumping and pumping but I'm hardly getting anything. I expected the opposite. I figured without being able to nurse that my pumping supply would increase. Not so, at this rate it'll be gone in a week, and I have no clue what to do. Every 3 hours I spend a little over 2 hrs taking care of Eli's feeds and my pumping. Eli's feeds take about 1 hr and 25 minutes from set up, feed, and then clean up. Pumping takes about 45 minutes from set up, pumping, and clean up. So that's 2 hrs and 10 minutes. That doesn't count diaper changes, GT care, etc... And figure in there at some point I need to go to the bathroom sometimes, eat, drink, or what not. And oh yeah I still have 4 other children here at home. Hmmm. This is all done on a 3 hr cycle all day, with Eli crying most of it because he wants to nurse.
i just don't know anymore.....

Everyone else in the house is pretty good. The older 4 are doing well. Busy outside most days, or playing games, or goofing off downstairs. Ari is completely potty trained and it's heavenly!
Bob is busy. He's working as many extra hours of OT as possible. We are so behind on everything. The car situation has really screwed us over financially, and with having to support 10 people, we can't keep up. My ex, as you all know is still refusing to pay a penny to help support his children. Last time I asked for some child support so I could afford food to feed the kids, he informed me I was a bitch and didn't need his money, and that he was going to call SRS saying that I was denying the kids food.
It's a rough spot to be, and we are struggling to figure out how to get thru.

I have no idea right now what this week will bring, but I will update as I know more.
Like always I will respond as quickly as possible, but life is busy, and honestly I'm really depressed and sometimes talking to others just takes to much energy. Company is always nice. It gets lonely here. Feel free to simply call or text before heading over. No promises of my hair being all pretty, and makeup being done, BUT I will willingly welcome you in! Some of you can verify that these last few weeks! :)
much love and thanks to all!

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