Wednesday, September 17, 2008

terrified

I'm not quite sure how this blog post will all come together, but I will try.
First I want to say this. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I don't know how else to say it.
I don't want to hear 500 stories about aunts cousins neighbors uncle who had a similar experience, and I don't want everyone to feel "sorry". If that all makes sense.

Yesterday was my mammogram. Apparently there was a mass on the left side. The radiologist would read it and my doc would contact me. My genetic testing is tomorrow at 10am. If the mile markers are present then it's 85% chance of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer. With my biological family history and what not...welll anyways.
I am NOT saying that I have cancer. I am NOT saying that I don't. i'm not saying anything more than what I know right now, which isn't much. I don't want everyone freaking out, because right now we just don't know.
I DO know that I'm not very good with patience, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to wait to find out. Every single scenario is flying around in my mind and I'm not sure right now what to think and what to feel. I'm scared out of my freaking mind I can tell you that.
I'm feeling a bit selfish I suppose. Right now the only thing on my mind s what's going to happen to me. all of a sudden I don't care much about money, or jobs, or any of that. I just want to know what is going to happen. If it's not cancer then tell me so I can move on, if it is then tell me so I can figure out what the nexts steps are. Not that I want cancer, obviously, but I want to know. the not knowing to me right now is the scariest part.
so there it all is. right now brian is struggling and would rather pretend this isn't happening and that there is no chance of a problem. the kids obviously aren't being told anything. my parents are being realistic and optimistic, if that makes sense. i'm freaking out and a good friend of mine is suggesting lots of ice cream and laughs! i know you read my blog, and i know you know who you are. so i just want to say thank you SOOO much for last night. thank you for letting me freak out on the phone, thank you for telling me it was okay to freak out and be scared, and then thank you for making me laugh! OOH and I'll send you the bill for all the weight loss surgeries after all your ice cream therapy1 :) i do love you! i love all of you who have rallied around us this last 24 hrs with prayers and support!

i will update as we know more, and as i can. please understand that i'm terrified and don't have all the words to describe how i'm feeling right now and that if i don't immediately reply to emails or messages, that it's not because i'm mad!

6 comments:

MamaMia said...

I had a mass found a few years ago. After numerous sono's etc. the doc decided to biopsy. My aunt had the same thing(not to drag in a family member). It was uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as not knowing. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you.

Chelle said...

Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and on the prayer chain! No matter the outcome, we're here for ya! *HUGS*

Michelle said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. Hang in there we're pulling for you.

Chantel Hayes said...

You're in my prayers right now Heather. My mom had a mass and was told 3 different times it was "probably cancer". It was found to be benign after a biopsy. I hope you get some answers SOON. Not knowing is the worst.

Jodi said...

I don't have any stories for you. No big words of advice. Every person is different. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and praying that everything turns out ok! Keep me posted and know that I will say a prayer for you!

Kimble-Wood said...

Heather, you are a strong woman and no matter the outcome, I know you will come out on top. Freak out, scream, cry, do whatever you need to do go get you through this. You've got a great support system/prayer chain going. Let me know if you need anything.