Monday, August 11, 2014


We are here again.  The kids start school tomorrow.  
I'm torn.  I have the mommy excitement of some quiet time, some time to clean house without having them come along 2 steps behind, the pride of them starting another year in school, the accomplishment. 
But I also have the flip side.  Tomorrow begins another cycle of me here, home alone, wondering what I'm supposed to do.  What my purpose is.  
My children are all 2 yrs apart in school.  I have always had a child home with me for 13 1/2 yrs.  Then Eli was born and my life was overflowing with activity.  I ALWAYS had something that had to be done, he was my constant shadow.  Then Eli passed away and summer came immediately after.  The kids kept me busy, kept my mind focused somewhere else.
Here I find us again, at another school year, another new start without my baby.

The house will be still.  Quiet.  Too quiet.  It's not a good kind of quiet.  It's the quiet that settles deep in my soul, the quiet that takes my breath away.  The quiet that makes my mind fly back to those days.  Back to what's missing.  

I have no idea if there will ever come a day, that being alone won't hurt.  That it won't cause an emptiness and a pain deep inside of me.  Where the silence won't be deafening.

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