Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Journeying thru Grief

"Time to quit living in the shadow of the dead and get back to the world of the living.  You have 4 other kids."

"Time to quit wrapping yourself up in the death of the dead and get back to playing a meaningful role in the life of the living."

These are 2 comments that were posted on my last post, both by the same person with a fake name and profile.  I really could care less who posted them, but I do care for myself, my family and for ALL the other families who have lost someone close.  This isn't how it works.  These are the types of things that should NEVER be said to someone going thru loss, thru the grieving process.

These comments were posted to my family 9 weeks and 6 days after our son, our brother, our tiny hero passed away in our arms right in front of our eyes.  9 weeks and 6 days after we watched our child go from full of life to struggling for every breath he took to not breathing to his heart finally stopping.  After we watched the doctors work for 14 hrs trying to save our baby as his life slipped away, as the doctors and nurses and our family tried to desperately grasp as our grip loosened.  As we watched them begin CPR, as we screamed for them to stop, as the tubes and wires were ripped off our baby.  As we spent our final moments with our son, our brother, wrapped in our arms in a twin hospital bed in the middle of ICU.  As hrs later we bathed our hero for the final time, dressing him in his beautiful pj's, making sure each hair on his little head was perfect, that all of his lotions and tubies and covers were properly in place.  As we walked out of that hospital hand in hand pushing an empty wheelchair, never to be filled again.  As we walked into our home without our baby, noticing all the quiet empty spots.  As we planned a funeral for our 3 1/2  yr old baby.  As we kissed his cold head and closed his casket for the last time.  As we sat thru a funeral, an event that you always picture for someone who has lived a full life, yet for us was a small coffin, and teddy bears, and children's books, and stories of peek a boo and messing with the darned washer.  As we carried that way to light coffin to it's final resting place.  As they lowered the coffin into the vault and the vault into the ground.  As we watched Ben feel emotions and cry, something we have never seen.  As we witnessed Jace try to jump into the grave because he couldn't handle his emotions.  As Emily had asthma attack after asthma attack as overwhelming tears constantly racked her body.  As Ari kept asking when we got to take Eli home. As I crumbled to the ground because my legs could no longer stand.  As Bob shook with emotions to much for him to handle.  As tears poured down our faces and our friends and families as well.

Do NOT tell us to get over it.  Move on.  Join the land of the living.  What is it exactly that you think we do each day?

We cook, eat, play games, read books, swim, go to the movies, eat out, shop, go to museums, go to the park, workout, run, walk, goof off on electronics, clean house, go to work, babysit, have date nights, have dinner and game night with friends, pay bills, talk on the phone, crochet, practice violin, get together with friends, have sleepovers, fight sometimes, go to time outs, get in trouble, visit with family, celebrate holidays and birthdays, go to doctor appts, go to school events....visit our tiny's grave and mourn and cry and laugh and tell stories and look at pictures and GRIEVE.  That's exactly what we should be doing.  

We have been thru hell and we are doing a damn good job of making it thru each and every day.  A part of us is missing and we are allowed to grieve and live at the exact same time.

Please allow us to grieve.  Please allow other families to grieve too.  Losing a child, sibling, grandchild,  spouse, parent, grandparent, friend, and so many other important people in our lives is HARD.  It's painful.  It's brutal.  Allow the grief process to happen as it happens.  Grief is vital and so is good support.  Be the support that we and so many others on the journey of grief NEED.


Becky said...

This is probably one of the best messages to those who have no clue... that I have ever seen! Thumbs up Heather... you and your family are doing GREAT! Our love and prayers are with you all.

Shawnee Eirich said...

These people are idiots. I am sorry you and your family are going through this. Sending you and your family hugs and prayers.