Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Complicated. It's all so complicated.

It's been a rough week. We were training a brand new nurse and after 45 hrs she quit because Eli was to complicated. Then this week Eli's other nurse quit because she's moving to florida to get away from a bad relationship. So we ended up with no nurses.
Then to top it off Eli had a rough week. He started with alot of respiratory issues and needing alot of extra breathing treatments and CPT to get thru it all. Then the fevers started. Then for a day or two he almost seemed like he was getting better.
Then this morning his sugars started dumping fast and we kept doing his emergency meds and they just kept dropping. They ended up dropping over 30points in 40 minutes. We spent a whole lot of time on the phone with his doctor getting orders and constantly adjusting the care plan. Eli has been on continuous feeds and has ended up needing 6 rounds of emergency treatments and he's still barely above his lowest limit for sugars this evening. His GI system is also very upset by it all and he's having diapers multiple times an hr which is making it even harder to keep up with his sugars and hydration. His doctor has been amazing today at calling me frequently to keep up with everything going on.
This afternoon Eli had an appt with his neurologist. We discussed the grand mal seizure and Eli's neurological state in general. He believes we will see even more seizure activity with each illness and that there aren't medication options to keep that from occurring. He also discussed Eli's therapies and where he was with his growth and advancement. He informed me that he thinks with Eli's "severe neurological and cognitive delays and impairments that we will need to make a choice at some point if we continue aggressive therapy." He doesn't believe that Eli will learn these skills and he says by the age of 3 or 4 we will definitely need to be ready to stop intensive therapy and pushing. I was very offended by all of this and will be requesting a new neurologist. I don't think there is ever a point to stop providing therapy and a chance for him to learn. It's not a medication with tons of horrible side effects. It's simply therapy. I don't see what it can do to harm him, only help him.
Lastly Eli saw his optometrist. Eli's eyes have had a slight improvement with consistent use of his glasses. We discussed the irritation Eli is having with the patch so he has decided for now to hold off on using the patch and to continue with using his glasses during all the waking hrs.
Right now we are doing everything we can to try to keep Eli as stable as possible. We are working round the clock to keep his respiration and heart rate down, his O2 up, and his sugars up. He has lost 1 1/2 lbs in the last 2 weeks and is constantly bordering on dehydration. The doctors have no idea why this is all happening or what to do about it all.

In other kids news.
They all had doc appts this week.
Emily ~ She's up to 5ft 3 in. The doc ran some lab work to check on some issues she had been having and the tests all came back OK on that. They are going to watch for 2 months and check back in. They also did some lung function tests. The first go around showed some issues, but after the breathing treatment she did much better on the 2nd go around. They are changing around some of her meds and hoping to get her at a better point with her asthma. She also showed some struggles with the vision test so she meets with the optometrist on Friday. We also talked about Emily's sleep walking and they are referring her to sleep clinic for a full evaluation.

Jace ~ He's up to 4ft 6in. The doc said he's looking pretty good. She's happy where he is with all of his stomach meds and is leaving all that to be followed by Jace's GI doc. She didn't currently have any concerns with Jace!

Benjamin ~ He's up to 4ft. The doc looked him over and all looked good till she got to his ears. All she could see in his left ear canal was green. After much work it was determined that Ben had a large green eraser stuffed all the way into his ear canal. She was finally able to remove it and it doesn't appear like any permanent damage has occurred. Other than that Ben looked pretty good as well. He's still definitely under weight but has gained some so we will continue with what we are currently doing.

Ariana ~ She's up to 3ft 8in. She was the roughest appt. First we went over her hand issues and she has been referred to the OT dept. She is also being referred to the speech dept for her trouble with making certain sounds. Then we discussed Ari's urinary issues. The doctor agreed that the cluster peeing and not being able to fully empty her bladder was a concern. She ran some tests (blood and urine). It looks like Ari might have a UTI and that she also has an abnormally high PH level in her urine. The UTI doesn't explain away the other issues as they have been going on for a long time but it is obviously something that needs fixed. She is referring Ari to the renal clinic for a full work up. Ari also failed her vision test and will be seeing the optometrist on Friday with Emily.

Bob and I like always are exhausted. Earlier in the week I cried, really cried for the first time in a long time. Everything just hit me and the emotions were overwhelming. At this point I feel numb. I keep hearing doctors say there is nothing more we can do, it's the mito, etc.... Eli's medical care is at the point of simply waiting for his next crisis. There is no more trying to fix it, very minimal prevention, it's simply waiting and planning for the next crisis. Nobody worries about baseline anymore, we don't shoot for baseline. We just take slightly stable and run with it. Every morning I'm scared to find out what that day will medically bring. I can never quite relax, already ready to jump up when the next beep happens. Every time my phone rings I'm wondering which doctor it is and already getting all the information straight in my mind, knowing exactly what they want to know. I feel like I'm always planning for the next crisis. I can't really blame the doctors because we do it here at home as well. It's always right around the corner. I don't know how much longer my nerves can handle it. We just float thru the middle point planning and organizing and waiting. The waiting is the worst.
Every special time and moment has been taken from us. It's simply going thru the motions for the family. I can't remember the last time we were able to celebrate a holiday. Eli has been sick, and by sick I mean very sick and unstable for each and everyone. This last monday was Bob and I's first anniversary. It was a horrible day. Our nurse called in, Eli was very sick, and the day was a mess. All I could think about is how I felt as though every special moment had been stolen from us. It's very depressing and hard to stay positive.
Most days are simply going thru the motions of it all. Numb is where I try to remain, but that being said real emotions sneak in there sometimes no matter how hard I try to hold them off.
I apologize to all those I'm ignoring right now. I'm not purposefully doing it, well mostly not. I'm depressed and tired and exhausted and honestly grumpy. I feel horrible putting that burden on my friends. I know most all of you are going thru so many of the same things, and I'm assuming many of the same emotions. I don't want to drag my medical friends deeper down into their own struggles and battles....and for my non medical friends...I know you don't understand and that's ok. You ask how Eli is, not really wanting to know the answer. Eli scares you and I get that. Eli scares me sometimes too. I want to talk to you about non-medical stuff, I want to know about your life, I want to talk about the latest gossip, but for some reason everyone seems scared to talk about those things with me. I NEED those conversations. I need life outside of this medical vortex.
I know I'm being a horrible friend to all of you out there and I want to change it I really do, but I'm so exhausted and blah...It's just not easy. It's never easy anymore.
I guess enough rambling for today. Congrats if you made it all the way thru all of that! :)
I guess what I was trying to get at is be a pain, reach out to me, bug the heck out of me, show up at my house unannounced to chat or drag me out to a movie. Call me and complain about your boss, or you kids, or your childs doctor. Don't be afraid to reach out, it's ok.
love to all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Seasons don't fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun, or the rain.