Tuesday, November 26, 2013


Me.  Who is that?  I'm not sure anymore.

I know who I was 5 yrs ago.  I know who I was the morning of my 18 wk ultrasound with Eli.  I know who I was when I gave birth to Eli.  I know who I was when he received his ultimately terminal diagnosis.  I know who I was when we started palliative care.  I know who I was when I watched them wheel my baby back to his final surgery.  I know who I was when I took my baby back to the ER that final afternoon.  I know who I was when my baby died in my arms.  I know who I was when I kissed his cold head before closing his coffin for the final time.  I know who I was when I crumbled as his coffin was lowered into the ground.

But who am I now?  I have no idea.

I'm at the point of my life that I used to always dream of.  The kids are all in school full time.  I'm home alone 8 hrs a day.

There is a quietness in the house that chills me to the deepest depths of my soul.  The clock mockingly ticks past 8am, 10am, 11am, noon, 2pm, 3pm.  Med times, IV times, feed hook ups, shots, blood sugar checks.  It's all ticking by and here I sit.

Yesterday was my first day home alone.  I know to some this seems like a dream come true.  I know many wish this was their life.  Right now I don't.

Thanksgiving will be 7 months since I held my baby and I have yet to really grieve.  I've been so engulfed with the kids over summer, school starting, babysitting, and the move.  I have tried so hard over these last months to keep it all down.  Focus, be strong, push thru, let the numbness overtake all emotion.   Yet here I sit now with nothing, no responsibilities and the grief is there, much harder to push down for "later".

I find the tears are quick to flow, my mind is quick to wander to thoughts of Eli.  My heart is constantly aware of the ache, the emptiness.

7 months later, the world has moved on, yet I'm just at the tip of the iceberg, the numbness wearing thin, the pain flooding in.

My mornings are spent at the gym.  I'm taking 3 classes a week and working out 6 days a week.  This morning I logged an upper arm strength training, 4 miles on the bike, and 4 miles on the track.  I didn't want to stop.  Stopping means my planned activities for the day to keep me busy end.
My afternoons is TV and knitting.  Working as hard as I can on the blankets for Eli's Promise donation to the PICU where he passed.

At points the tears and grief almost feel welcome, as the numbness brings about it's own level of pain.  At points I just wish I couldn't curl up and turn off the world.

I'm on day 2 of the rest of my life and I have no idea who I am.  All I know is that I can NEVER go back to who I was.  I am forever changed, good and bad.

In closing we received a few more sneaks from our family photos to share!

Eli's "I love you" sign.  He learned this one not long before he passed.  Will always be so very special to our family

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