Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Yesterday was hard.  Yesterday was way more and different than hard but I again have no word that fits.

Yesterday was 1 month.  1 month since I held my baby while he died in my arms.  1 month since I felt his warm body tucked up against me.  1 month since I felt his little fingers wind around my neck when he hugged me.  1 month since I've seen his smile.  1 month since I looked into his eyes.  1 month since I heard the swooshing of his machines.  1 month since I have touched the life saving medical equipment that kept my son alive every day.  1 month since I saw the rise and fall of his chest while he breathed.  1 month since I heard the beat of his heart in my ears.  1 month since my family was complete, whole.  1 month since I was alive inside.  1 month.

It can't be so.  I don't even know how I survived this month, yet here I am.  There are so many months that lay before me and I don't feel as though I have the strength to do that.

Sunday we went to church for the first time since Eli's funeral.  As we pulled in Ben says "I can't wait until I die, so I can play with Eli again."  My heart froze.  Again my beautiful, young innocent heartbroken children, speak the words that lie within my soul.

Church was hard, although again that word doesn't fit.  I had to leave at one point.  When I came back my seat had been taken so I moved to another seat.  I looked down and there was a butterfly sequin on the ground right next to me.  After service I went to pick up the younger 2 from sunday school.  As I walked past Eli's classroom I looked down and there was a gold sequin in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.  WOW.

Tears are beginning to flow more often.  They come on in huge sudden torrents.  Completely uncontrollable. They leave me feeling empty and worn, and they leave my body in the same type of torment that it was during the week of the funeral planning.

Bob and I went out this past weekend for dinner and a movie.  We posted a basic pic of us on our night out with partial smiles.  Comments were made about how happy people are that we are finally smiling again and doing better.  That's the thing.  We have been smiling many times at points thru this whole month.  We have been downright laughing to the point of tears at times.  Are we doing some things?  Going thru the motions of some semblance of life?  Yes.  But please never assume that means we are "better".  There is NO "better"  Child loss isn't a sickness that we will magically recover from.  We are hurting.  With every breath we take we are empty, we feel pain.  Please realize that we are still hurting, and always will be.  We still need friends and family, and help and comfort, and words of encouragement.  We still need to know that others are out there and supporting us and thinking about us.

For those who checked in on us yesterday,(and those who check in on us almost daily!!!) thank you!  You know who you are.  We can't tell you enough how thankful we are for your texts and calls and messages!  They mean the world to us!

So I guess here I sit.  It's 1 month and 1 day.  It hurts just as much as 1 month did, and 4 weeks did, and 2 weeks did, and 1 day did.  It all hurts.

This is a picture from our private family time with Eli.  At this point everyone else had already had their time and had left.  It was Bob and I's last time to ever spend alone with Eli.  Fuck I miss his little hands.


Laura Wagner said...

I don't have anything gushy to say. I'm not good at gushy. So I'll just say that this all sucks assholes. Not sure there's much else I even Can say.

Heather Tomkins said...

Gushy definitely isn't you but we sooo very much know how much you love our tiny man and our family!!! We know that you think of him and us often and that you are always there if we want need you and of course for crocheting help! :) love you!
oh and yes this sucks major assholes!